Rock, Strength & Gentleness

I was talking to a friend this morning and we were discussing the idea that we can be our own 'rock'. We can be there for ourselves when we need to, when there isn't anyone else to do it for us. We can be strong for ourselves.  When we do this, when we have learned how to be strong for ourself then we can really relax into our gentleness and stay there!

A great analofy of this is the Mountain Pose in yoga.  When I stand in Mountain Pose I can't be pushed over, I can't be pushed around, I am strong and stable. I feel fully present.  I am my own rock!  I can feel it in my body.  What is extraordinary is thst only when I am fully in Mountain Pose does my body fully relax.  It realises that it doesn't have to hold tight to keep me upright. When I am my own rock I can relax and be gentle in my body.

My strength comes when I can hold myself and yet be gentle. The Yin and Yang! The true balance in life comes when we are neither one nor the other, when we are both at the same time.

The same is true for our emotional body. When I can be there for myself, support myself and be strong for myself, I can relax and be vulnerable. I don't have to be on guard.


How do we achieve emotional strength you might ask.

Practice! Just as you would at a gym if you were wanting physical strength you would work hard to achieve great results.  You would learn to set boundaries and you would practice them. You would learn to assert yourself  and you would practice the skill and techniques that would give you the results you wanted. You would learn how and when to trust yourself. You would initially practise with people who were safe and then you would move out to people who are more challenging.

Once you build your emotional strength you can relax and enjoy life, You will be your own rock: strong and gentle at the same time!

Control

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference!
Unknown Author

Sometimes we get bogged down trying to change things we actually have no control over at all. We waste our energy and our time.

Here are some examples of things I have no control over and that no matter what I do, I cannot change:

• my age
• my skin colour
• how fast my hair grows
• my eye colour
• the number of hours in a day
• how fast flood waters come up or go down
• the way I was raised
• other people
• the age of my children or the stage of development they are in
• what other people think about me
• who likes me
• who loves me
• who dislikes me
• who hates me
• who thinks I am an idiot
• who agrees with me
• who disagrees with me
• a death, illness or accident in the family
• being laid off from a job
• the weather
• when work or a project takes longer than expected
• traffic congestion
• how long the washing takes to dry on the line
• how other people speak
• whether someone wants you in their life

But, here are some of the things I do have control over and that I do have the capacity to change if I don't like how things are a the moment:

•  if I am honest
• how I interpret situations
• how I behave
• how well I listen
• my expectations
• my disappointments
• how much I worry
• how much I exercise
• how I speak to others
• who I like and love
• how I conduct myself when I drive
• what type of food and how much I eat
• when to walk away from an argument
• how often I say thank you
• how much I appreciate in my life
• how kind I am
• which commitments I keep and cancel
• how much I admit I don't know something
• what I read
• how clean I keep my surroundings
• how negative or positive I am
• how many risks I take
• who I ask for help
• whether I take care of myself
• how much rest I have
• how much of what others say I believe
• how much I judge other people 

Now you know the difference you can be wise in your choices as to what you spend your time and energy  focusing on. Pick just one of the items you would like to have more control over in your life (only from the second list) and start to make the changes necessary. Your life will be richer for it.

Why? - not a very helpful question!

A long time ago I read a book called Legacy of the Heart in which Wayne Muller, a counsellor, talked about a client called Maria.  She had been in a lot of emotional pain for a long time, she had had a difficult childhood in which she was abused in lots of different ways.  She continually questioned why this had happened to her.

I see lots of people asking ‘why’ questions – they want to know the why of their situation.  Why am I ill?  Why does my partner stay out all night?  Why won’t the kids listen to me?  Why do I have to do everything around here?  Why don’t they pick up after themselves? Why? Why? Why?

Every one of these questions has a million answers and yet quite often there is no meaningful answer to any of them.  Each time I ask the ‘Why’ question I stay stuck in a never ending circle of thoughts and discontent.  I keep going back and forth, round and round!.

While ever I keep asking the ‘Why’ question I am powerless to take control and take the necessary action required.

It’s funny how things happen!  I just had a phone call, right in the middle of writing this blog.  Mary rang, very upset, she is disabled and finds it difficult to organise even simple things in her life.  Her primary carer has to go away for a week and is arranging someone (maybe many people) to come in and care for her.  The problem is he won’t tell her what the arrangements are.  She kept saying, “I don’t understand why he won’t tell me”. “Why can’t he say what is going to happen?” “I keep asking him and he tells me not to hassle him”.

We all want to know the ‘why’ and I don’t think it is because we are curious.  I think we want to understand, so we can figure it all out.  We think that once we know, we will be able to move on and everything will be okay.  But quite often, even when we are given a good answer to our question, we still aren’t satisfied.  We want to know more.  Especially if we feel we have been hurt, or betrayed or neglected in some way.

The ‘why’ question keeps us going around and around in circles, it takes up a lot of our time and energy, keeping us from getting to the truth.  It keeps us stuck in the past and renders us unable to move forward into the future.

So what’s the solution?

Instead of asking a question, how about we consider stating the truth?  By turning the question into a statement of truth we are free to consider our choices. We get to consider possibilities, to make decisions about how to move forward.  We can get ‘unstuck’ so to speak.

Here’s how it works – it is very simple and yet has a profound effect on how we feel and think about the situation…..allowing us to deal honestly with how we really feel!

“Why am I ill?”  Would become simply “I am ill.” “Why doesn’t he tell me?”  Would become, “He doesn’t tell me!”

Once the truth is told in a simple statement it is then easier to see what we need to do.

“I am ill” – once we admit that we are ill instead of asking why, we can take some action to deal with the illness, while ever I ask the question I can avoid taking the necessary action to look after myself and make decisions about my health care.

“He doesn’t tell me” – takes me out of victim mode and helps me realize I can find out what I need to from other sources or accept that it will be a surprise and I will find out soon enough.

Maria found that when she stopped asking, "Why did they do these things to me?"  and just said, "They did these things to me!" she could feel the hurt that had been holding back all her life, and begin the healing that was necessary for her to move forward in her life.

I have a saying – “Why questions drive you crazy!”  It is in the telling of the truth that we find peace.

Many Blessings

Jenny

When will I ever be enough?

During my life I have had this crazy perception that I am supposed to strive to be good enough.  I strive to be more for my family, friends, parents, children, husband, clients, even acquaintances.  I push myself to be everything everyone wants me to be....and I am exhausted.  I feel lost and alone....I feel abandoned, unloved, disrespected, unappreciated.  I can never do enough for them!

Then it hit me!  That is the Truth!

I CAN NEVER DO/BE ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!

The revelation came with a million reasons why this is so TRUE!  The light bulb had finally come on!

As humans we always want more, and it seems to be hard wired into our DNA - we are always striving for more.  If we didn't have this desire for more we wouldn't evolve as a species and our world wouldn't evolve.  We would still be living in caves if we didn't want more.  So, if we all want more, and it's intrinsic to who we are then we can't blame 'them' for the problem.

If we look at our part in it we have to admit that no one will ever be enough for us either.  We will always expect our partner to be more - we want the best for them, for them to realize their potential!  We want our kids to be the best they can be and we want them to be successful and happy....sometimes more than they want for themselves.  We want our parents to understand us, our friends to give us more of their time and love....the list goes on.  Even though we love them dearly, we still want more from them.

So if they want more from us and we want more from them.....it mustn't be 'wrong' to want more!

The greatest revelation came when I realized.....

They are allowed to want as much as they like!  I am allowed to want as much as I like!  We are all disappointed when we don't get what we want!  I am allowed to be disappointed.  They are allowed to be disappointed.  This frees me up!

They are supposed to want more from me!

And what is so new to me is that I get to decide how much is enough!  It's up to ME to make the choice as to what I will and won't do.

I will never be enough for them, so all I can do is stop trying to be enough, relax and do what's right for me.

Emotional Pain is a Symptom

Emotional pain feels real! When we are in it everything about it feels real. We sometimes even experience it as physical pain. It takes us over and stops us from functioning. Sometimes we experience it in our gut, and at other times it is a whole body experience. It makes us obsess! It can make our blood boil! It can cause us to shrivel and hide! Emotional pain creates desperation within us and all we want is for the feelings to go away.

Emotional pain always means I am out of balance with life! I am not in alignment with what is!

Maybe it is a symptom that things aren't right. Maybe it's a sign that we need to set some boundaries, that we have let someone walk all over us. Maybe it's a signal that we gave too much and need to give to our self instead. Maybe it's a signal that we have been pretending things are one way when in actual fact they are the opposite. Maybe we are out of control and need to start taking control of our self instead of trying to control the world. Maybe we are in grief or we have been wronged.  Whatever it is, there is a solution.


Tell the Truth!

Think about the limits you need to set. Make the decision to value yourself. Learn how to give to yourself and make you a top priority in your life. Be real, if someone in your life doesn't like who you are, that's great....you can leave them and go find all the people who do like you just as you are! Tell yourself the Truth in a gentle, loving, life affirming way - are you eating too much? spending too much? smoke, drink too much? Is it time to take control of yourself and start connecting with what you really need rather than filling yourself with substitutes for love? Do you need to feel, I mean really feel your grief and move on from feeling sorry for yourself and the loss you have suffered. Is it time to see it as an experience rather than seeing yourself as a victim of the loss?

Whatever the emotional pain, the Truth will set you free of it.  Once you tell yourself the Truth you can make better choices and the pain will go away all by itself.  It's amazing how much freedom there is in the Truth.

In love & light,
Jenny

Letting go is a process!

I have always wondered how some people just let go of things.  When I was younger, whenever things didn’t go the way I wanted them to and I was upset, someone would invariably say to me, ‘just let it go’.

How could I let it go, I was sad or angry or disappointed…or all three.  Letting go didn’t seem like it would or could happen easily!

I know that there must be people in the world who can just ‘let things go’, but I am not one of them….I hold on and find it difficult to prize my fingers from what ever I am holding onto.

It is painful when things don’t go the way I had planned….it is sad and disappointing.

I want things to be different to the way they are!

Over the years I have learned how to let go, but for me it is a process that can be applied any time I need to let go of something that no longer serves me.  No matter how big or small the process is the same.

So, how do I go about letting go?

The very first thing is that I need to be ready to let go, by that, I mean I have to want to let go, I have to be tired of how I am feeling and I need to want to be in a better place emotionally with it.

Then I need to spend some time really getting in touch with how I am feeling about what is going on inside me in relation to not getting what I want.  It is a time when I allow myself to wallow in self pity, and get to know myself a little better.  How attached was I to the outcome?  How much of myself had I invested in it?  Who was I letting down?  What had I lost by not getting it?  What were the feelings involved (shame, guilt, sadness, fear – these are all very powerful emotions)?

Then, the next part of the process is validating myself and how I feel about it.

This is a critical part of the process because it acknowledges you as a person who has feelings and allows you to be acceptable no matter what happened.  I find that most people are reluctant to do this step….they think it is like giving into the negative.  Well, in my experience, it has exactly the opposite effect.  Once I am validated I can relax and let go a little.  Once I know someone understands me I can accept the reality of the situation.

It is only after validating my feelings about it that I can do the next step of the process and that is telling myself the truth.

To tell myself the truth involves being in the here and now.  It involves saying exactly how it is without the ‘I wish it was this way’, ‘why isn’t it that way’.  It is admitting things are different to the way I wanted them to be.  We are told that the Truth will set us free, and from my experience it is true, when I tell myself the truth I am free to make the choices I need to, to move on.

A great example in my own life of this process is My Husband and Time

I married a wonderful man called Harry; he is the love of my life.  He was kind and gentle, strong and capable but he wasn’t dependable when it came to time.  In fact, if we were to be invited anywhere we would always be late….he wouldn’t start getting ready to go until the time we were to be there.  It was the bane of my life. I  always liked to be on time.  I hated being late.  As you can imagine this caused a bit of friction in our relationship.  I was always reminding him to get ready and he hated it.

It got to the point that friends would tell us that their functions were an hour earlier than they were so we would get there on time – I found this very embarrassing.

One day I decided it was time to let it go….I was tired of always being angry and disappointed with Harry.  I wanted to feel better!

I then spent some time writing down how I felt, how I really felt – about him when he was late all the time, when I was late because of him, when he let me down, when he let our children down.  All of those negative feelings and thoughts I got out of myself and onto paper.  I wanted him to be on time to take care of me. I wanted him to be the perfect husband.  I wanted him to put me first.  I wanted an awful lot from him.

It was in the writing down of all these things that I realized the Truth.  Harry was never going to meet my needs!  In fact, it was not his job.  He was allowed to be late.  His lateness had nothing to do with me. He couldn’t be relied on to be on time.

In writing these Truths down I realized that I was the one with the problem. I was expecting Harry to be something he could not possibly be.  I wanted someone who had no idea about being on time to suddenly be on time….just because I wanted him to be!  How unloving is that!  I really got it….how out of my mind must I be.

In that moment I really got it and I was able to let it go…..amazing!

‘Harry is always late’ I wrote.  ‘Harry can’t be relied on to be on time’.  ‘Harry doesn’t think about time, he doesn’t care about being late’.   It was like I was seeing the world for the first time.  A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders and I began thinking about how I would take care of myself and my children around this wonderful man who had no idea that time was important.  Time was important to me, not him, and I needed to take care of myself.

My new choices were easy from that moment on.  I needed to make arrangements for myself to get to events on time.  I could get a cab if he was late home and we needed to be somewhere.  I would organise someone else to pick the children up if they needed to be picked up by a certain time.

The beautiful thing is that in coming to this realisation it has taken the pressure off him.  He doesn’t have to feel like he is letting me down anymore, because I don’t rant and rave about it.  He is allowed to just be himself.

The miracle that happened though, in the letting go of this is that Harry is never late anymore.  In letting it go and not needing it anymore I got what I wanted!  How amazing is that!

Am I full of myself?

Most of us were brought up to think that being "full of ourselves" was something bad, something to be ashamed of.  To feel really good about who we were was not allowed, to accomplish great things and feel good about ourselves was not acceptable.

In Australia, we have the 'Tall Poppy' syndrome.  It is a sad reality and means that anyone who grows above others will be cut down to the same size as everyone else.  In Australia, it is not seen as a wonderful thing when someone achieves greatness (unless they have experienced adversity to get there).

This means that it is difficult to really own 'who we are' and how unique and special we are.  We tend to minimize our talents and achievements with statements like 'Oh! It was nothing' or 'anyone could have done it'.  We don't appreciate ourselves.

When we don't acknowledge ourselves we shrink down inside ourselves until one day we wonder who we are.....what we are here for.

We have contracted our own energy and once we do that then everyone else's idea of who we 'should' be can be imposed on us.  It makes it difficult to be able to connect with ourselve - to know what is right for us.

And yet, when we are not able to acknowledge ourselves and our needs/want/desires, we feel empty and unworthy.  So, what do we do?  How can we begin to shift this negative way of thinking?
We can start by the daily practice of 'Being full of Myself'.
This is a very simple technique - you can even teach it to your children.
Sit quietly with your eyes closed and allow your body to be at ease.
Once you are relaxed, start to fill yourself up with you.....do this in whatever way feels right.  Some people breath gently and 'visualize' being filled with their own beautiful light and energy, others 'feel' the tingly energy filling their bodies and still others just get a 'sense' they are filling themselves up.
Once you feel full, you can open your eyes.
It is lovely to sit and appreciate how you feel right now - take some time to really feel your own energy - get to know it and how it feels in your body.
If you get into a routine of doing this simple exercise on a daily basis you will notice that you are becoming more relaxed and at ease in your daily life.
Once we know what our energy feels like and how to stay full of yourself you will start to become aware when things are taking your energy (such as those things you do that drain you or people that drain you)....
It is our responsibility to keep our energy available to us so we can be all that we are meant to be!
 So stay full of yourself!!