A long time ago I read a book called Legacy of the Heart in which Wayne Muller, a counsellor, talked about a client called Maria. She had been in a lot of emotional pain for a long time, she had had a difficult childhood in which she was abused in lots of different ways. She continually questioned why this had happened to her.
I see lots of people asking ‘why’ questions – they want to know the why of their situation. Why am I ill? Why does my partner stay out all night? Why won’t the kids listen to me? Why do I have to do everything around here? Why don’t they pick up after themselves? Why? Why? Why?
Every one of these questions has a million answers and yet quite often there is no meaningful answer to any of them. Each time I ask the ‘Why’ question I stay stuck in a never ending circle of thoughts and discontent. I keep going back and forth, round and round!.
While ever I keep asking the ‘Why’ question I am powerless to take control and take the necessary action required.
It’s funny how things happen! I just had a phone call, right in the middle of writing this blog. Mary rang, very upset, she is disabled and finds it difficult to organise even simple things in her life. Her primary carer has to go away for a week and is arranging someone (maybe many people) to come in and care for her. The problem is he won’t tell her what the arrangements are. She kept saying, “I don’t understand why he won’t tell me”. “Why can’t he say what is going to happen?” “I keep asking him and he tells me not to hassle him”.
We all want to know the ‘why’ and I don’t think it is because we are curious. I think we want to understand, so we can figure it all out. We think that once we know, we will be able to move on and everything will be okay. But quite often, even when we are given a good answer to our question, we still aren’t satisfied. We want to know more. Especially if we feel we have been hurt, or betrayed or neglected in some way.
The ‘why’ question keeps us going around and around in circles, it takes up a lot of our time and energy, keeping us from getting to the truth. It keeps us stuck in the past and renders us unable to move forward into the future.
So what’s the solution?
Instead of asking a question, how about we consider stating the truth? By turning the question into a statement of truth we are free to consider our choices. We get to consider possibilities, to make decisions about how to move forward. We can get ‘unstuck’ so to speak.
Here’s how it works – it is very simple and yet has a profound effect on how we feel and think about the situation…..allowing us to deal honestly with how we really feel!
“Why am I ill?” Would become simply “I am ill.” “Why doesn’t he tell me?” Would become, “He doesn’t tell me!”
Once the truth is told in a simple statement it is then easier to see what we need to do.
“I am ill” – once we admit that we are ill instead of asking why, we can take some action to deal with the illness, while ever I ask the question I can avoid taking the necessary action to look after myself and make decisions about my health care.
“He doesn’t tell me” – takes me out of victim mode and helps me realize I can find out what I need to from other sources or accept that it will be a surprise and I will find out soon enough.
Maria found that when she stopped asking, "Why did they do these things to me?" and just said, "They did these things to me!" she could feel the hurt that had been holding back all her life, and begin the healing that was necessary for her to move forward in her life.
I have a saying – “Why questions drive you crazy!” It is in the telling of the truth that we find peace.
Many Blessings
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